Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
SHOUTING AND CHEERING
CHEERING
FRANK GROANS Oh, shit!
2-2, and under a minute to go.
- For God's sake! - Ref, I need to get a sub on.
- Who are they? - Carl Gallagher and your Micky.
I can't see either of them, can you?
I am Carl Gallagher.
Is this right?
Er...yeah.
Sorry, Carl. Didn't recognise you there, what with your new hairdo.
(Referee) Where are your shorts, your boots?
Did Zola Budd need the assumed appropriate footwear?
(Jamie) All sons start out idolising their dad.
WHISTLE BLOWS
He's the strongest, funniest, cleverest man you know.
- Come on, Dad! - Go on!
Get in!
You follow in his footsteps, hoping one day you'll be half the man he is.
Yeah! Yeah!
But as you grow, you begin to see his flaws.
And then one day, you notice he's no longer out in front.
I only bought this Saturday.
You turn around and there he is, staggering behind,
his weakness there for all to see.
I'll run and fetch you another one.
And so the son becomes father to the man.
And get some shoe polish.
I want you looking crisp for Wednesday's meeting.
Harry Stout - the new-build security contract.
Only polite we let the fawning old fart lick clean boots.
Joe went to see his solicitor this morning.
Should be shot of The Jockey by the weekend.
Yeah?
Just days till Mr Flash gets his ménage à trois sorted.
What are you gonna do with the money?
See as much of the world as me licence will let me.
Don't go blowing it, acting the playboy.
As if. I'll keep 30 back for a franchise.
Thought you'd had your fill of running pubs.
I haven't got many options, Mand.
It's either run me own business or work for Dad.
And what in the world would draw me back to that?
Good on ya.
Spuds.
SHE SCREAMS
Jesus, Mand! What's with all the bruises?
It's not what you think.
Did he do this?
- I'm supposed to believe that? - Nice one, Frank.
Very kind of you, my mate.
But Carl, son, if you're down as sub, you ought to show up.
Where's your sense of comradeship?
It's the new job - early mornings. I'm totally shagged out.
LAUGHING
And I bet the bored housewives don't help either.
- (Men) Whoa! - I'll make this easy for ya.
You either walk out that door now and disappear
or I will disappear you.
HE CHUCKLES
Fuck me, mate. I am never gonna get your sense of humour, am I?
So I object to you battering my sister. Is that a joke to you?
Mate, you've not been well.
If you think I'd ever hit a woman,
your reasoning's as off-target as your football.
- She's covered in bruises! - She's not covered.
All right, fair do. She's marked. I don't like it either.
Bang into S&M, she is. Not really my thing.
But the kinky cow won't stop demanding.
I'm just trying to keep your kid sister satisfied, my mate.
No sparring in here.
The emulsion's barely dried.
Outside.
Fight! Fight!
Come on, man!
Fucking...
Jamie!
This has nothing to do with you!
There's a pulse.
What if he's dead?
Might be the best thing. Can't squeal then.
If it comes to manslaughter, someone will talk.
He'd be nearly 40 before he was out!
Over my dead body is that lad going back inside.
Go and get yourself cleaned up.
One of us will take the rap.
You mean confess? Go on remand?
And it can't be your father.
Why not? SHE SNORTS
Well, I've no previous. Maybe I should confess.
And it can't be Shane.
He's just got over a bleeding stroke.
Why should he go down for eight years just cos Mandy's got shit taste in men?
You gonna let Anytime Annie do your talking for ya?
Look, if I thought it'd go with Section 20, I might think about it.
- But there's... - Yes. He is.
Well, like I just said. I don't mind.
Stop your bleating, Micky - a doe-eyed waif like you
would be passed from man to man like dysentery in a death camp!
Is that what you want?!
So I did it, then.
I took him out.
You selfish fucking prick of a fuck!
We've no time for that, Paddy.
I've got all my babies. A mam's gotta do what a mam's gotta do.
If we can all agree
that Mimi Maguire fixed that spineless piece of shit over there,
then once the police have pissed off, there's free drinks inside until dawn.
MURMURING AGREEMENT
- So who did it? - (All) Mimi.
- (Man) Yeah, I saw her. - You absolutely sure about that?
(All) Yeah.
Did you hear that, Mand?
Mand?
We're saying Mam did it, right?
SIREN WAILING
HE EXHALES
Whatever this throws up,
you mustn't blame yourself.
Did you know?
Thought there might be summat.
So you did.
So I've you to blame.
What a shabby excuse for a friend you are.
SHE GROANS
Right. That's the phone, then, princess.
You ready for the charger?
Mam, the...
Go on, on your way.
Look, we can still see each other.
I deserve better.
I deserve fucking better.
Day two of my transfer and I'm already mopping up a Maguire mess.
Well, yeah. Me... Me mam's little punch-up went a bit OTT.
I'll tell you what went a bit OTT, Micky - the witness statements.
He got a right bead on.
Right, so she leads in with an arm-breaker...
He started to leg it...
..then atomic-drops him to the floor.
But when he opened the door, who was standing there? Mimi.
I mean, from there, they tumbled out, doing a flying mare.
She put her hands round his throat...
He was crushed between her smothering thighs.
..and said, "I hope your last meal was a good 'un
"cos tonight, la', you die!"
There's no way the lumpy old effort you call Mam
- could take out a strong, virile man. - Well, she's...
Oi, I don't mind crims attempting to cover up,
it just hurts when they're being so lazy about it.
It insults my intelligence.
Now, where will I find Jamie Maguire?
Oh, please, Ady...
Don't go being a big jobsworth just cos I dumped ya.
Can't you just accept that me mam did it?
Look, you can have anything you want.
Money. A nice new kitchen. Holiday!
I'm not interested.
How about a lifelong supply of weed?
No!
You know, there is something you can do for me.
It's something I've always dreamt of.
Just under five ton.
I've never had such a skimpy prison account.
I'm sorry, Mimo.
Sorry about everything.
I could understand you sacrificing yourself for Jimmy, but for me too?
- I know. - I'm glad you know, sweetheart.
I'm pleased you still have... expectations of me.
I know that you went off with some scabby smack whore.
And that you betrayed me and our marriage.
Dump her, ditch the junk and seal the deal with Harry Stout
or else it's goodnight, Vienna, for us.
Mimi Maguire?
Mimi Maguire, I'm arresting you on suspicion of assault.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention, when questioned,
something which you later rely on in court.
Look after your dad for me, son.
I can't let her, Dad.
It's the best way. We divvy the shite.
It's how this family works!
Remember?
SHOUTING AND LAUGHING
No, you don't!
Bastards!
Debbie, Mr Watsford needs £15 off everyone for the theatre trip.
Well, tell him you'll have it by Monday.
BABY CRYING
Will toast do you?
Stefan's mum doesn't let him eat refined carbs,
even if they're organic.
Are you complaining?
Stefan says it sounds top round here.
STEADY BLEEPING
Funny seeing you laid out.
Reminds me of the time you slipped down the steps at the Arena.
Made out you were dead.
I put my hand over your face to see, could I feel the breath.
SIGHS Dead worried.
CHUCKLES And then you licked me finger.
I jumped out me skin.
Dickhead!
You had some balls to mess with my family.
I'll give you that.
So he's blackmailing you? I don't get your problem.
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't still fancy him.
Well, what if I do? It don't mean I should put out for the closeted twat.
I'm from the land of the free.
Well, at least I'm not a sadist twat.
I've been looking it up on the internet. HE INHALES
There's this one page, right,
he said before the fella busted him,
he used a pronged baton on him.
Christ, Micky.
Why don't they just book you in for a full rectal prolapse?
- You cannot let this happen. - Well, what can I do?
If I don't go through with it, he's gonna blow the whistle on our J.
And while he's at it, he might tell my lot why he changed his mind.
Or tell 'em about me and him.
Right. So he has his ultimate fantasy.
Only we stop it before it gets to the...
(baton stage.)
Are you offering to help me out?
A word of advice - get shot before you're in too deep, love.
It took four broken ribs, no front teeth and a punctured lung before I saw sense.
Word of advice.
Lay off the salty snacks, fatty.
Ohh!
Come on, Katie.
She was only being helpful. No need to rip the woman's head off.
Everyone's such a fucking expert, aren't they?
At least he wasn't nicking from me purse or shagging behind me back
- like most blokes round here. - Fuck me!
When did you decide to settle for so little?
Piss off!
Knights on white chargers don't take on soapy losers with kids.
- Mandy! - You've no idea.
I've got to make the best of whatever comes my way.
Whatever comes your way? You wouldn't have entertained a tight bastard,
a smelly one or even a baldy.
So don't make out that poor little Mandy had no options.
All right.
You've got a brother that'll look out for ya, a dad that'll see you right
and a roof over your head, despite never doing a fucking day's work in your life!
Come on, darling. Auntie Kaz's little friend must be due.
Mandy! I'm sorry!
How is he?
How is it?
Well, apart from the depressed wails of the women of a night...
MUSIC: Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler
(All) # I need a hero! #
..and the unrelenting physical hardship,
and the dearth of creative stimulus...
..I'd say conditions have generally improved.
I'm so sorry, Mum.
Couldn't have come at a worse time.
Business hasn't been going great.
- And if the Dudnics get wind... - The Dudnics?
I've never heard of them.
Three months ago, they were selling out-of-date tinned meat in pubs.
Now they're into security protection.
They'll be drug trafficking before the year's out.
There's no way they'd step on Dad's turf.
I appreciate the alarm incident was regrettable, but...
"Regrettable"?!
Thieves leisurely walk in and lift 40 grand's worth of material.
In all the years I've looked after these sites, how many have gone up?
Son, they're Romanian.
What respect will they have for the old manor system?
Ah, Mr Dudnic. I'm happy to say the papers are ready for signing.
You've given the work to the Dudnics?
- I think we're done here. - Harry!
I'm Councillor Stout to you.
Jamie, I'm destroyed to have to ask you.
No, Mam. Please.
Normally I wouldn't, but with your dad being in the state that he's in...
What is wrong with him?
Dunno. Think he picked something up in Spain.
What?!
Come on, Mam. There's something you're not letting on.
I'm telling you everything.
Your dad's not right. The business is up shit creek.
And with Pinky and Perky as much use as fingerless fiddlers...
Oh, please, Sal.
Oh, tell me you've got it.
How much is it this time?
- Don't you know? - I paid 60 last month.
Mam, you're panicking.
Shane and Micky will manage. They're grown men.
They've been raised with the business.
Original loan 600, over 12 months.
60 times 12, that's...
..720, which makes Paddy's take...120 quid.
That's right, isn't it, Sputnik?
..and so was me purse, and our Keane's Game Boy!
Well, make sure you have it for next week, eh? Eh?
Come on, get it all out.
Let's round it to 35 big ones, shall we?
You fucking owe me 35 quid!
That's extortion, that is.
You'll be the death of me, you lads. You will.
You need to trust them.
And break the habit of calling out my name whenever there's a crisis.
You put me in this crisis!
Don't!
I never asked you to step up for me.
When I was inside, I promised myself
I would never have anything to do with the business again.
There are few rewards for breaking some junkie's legs
because the desperate bastard's trying to short-change me.
Very noble, son.
Making promises, to yourself.
Some years ago, I vowed I'd never take another communal shower.
But shit happens!
That is all we've got till Friday.
I'd gladly swap, go out and earn a dollar while you mind Stella,
but you'd probably end up killing her.
# Oh, what an atmosphere I love a party with a happy... #
Shut up!
What's up, Shags?
A bunch of little bastards keep nicking my milk.
Day three and I'm down 20 quid.
And I ain't had one sniff of housewife fanny.
Can't you get hold of these kids, give 'em a good hiding?
They're on skateboards.
There's this laxative, right, we give out to people at work
who are having bowel scans.
Proper nasty, it is. We could always spike a few bottles.
Within seconds, they'll think the Black Sea's gushing out their holes.
Right, better go sort Debs out.
You all right?
I'm sick of living like this, Max.
I'm not after holidays or fancy threads.
Just being able to put some credit on my mobile would make my day.
You need a night out, mate.
- Yeah, on what? - I'll sub you.
Your dad manages to get pissed every night on nowt.
Yeah, but he is a shameless scrounger.
Listen, dip a bit out the budget.
If you can't party on a fiver when you're young and gorgeous, when can you?
- A fiver?! - Trust me.
You're outrageous.
Patrick Maguire will not be parked.
Usurped? By two rabid Romany peasants?
No fucking way!
- Where you going? - To think, Micky!
To plan.
And if you bollockses had anything about youse, you'd be doing the same.
- What? - Well, it weren't my fault.
- Fuck! - Jesus! Jesus!
Get off!
Get off me!
TAP RUNNING
Have you cooled down yet? Have ya?
What's whose fault?
Micky?
The shop owners on Devonshire Parade have dumped us.
- They're using the Dudnics now. - Did they give a reason?
All right. They had a mass break-in last Sunday.
And we never got any of that stock back.
I said to you, "Let's go and look for it."
And he said, "I can't, because I promised Kelly that I'd do some painting tonight."
For fuck's sake, Shane!
When did glossing Kelly's skirts come before the day job?
Mam's right.
You two...are fucking useless.
DANCE MUSIC
Right... CHEERING
..who's gonna help this fair maiden cross the threshold?
CHEERING
- Teen night out, is it? - Something like that.
'Ere, what say a fiver for a tit flash?
CHEERING
I'm outrageous?!
DIALLING TONE
Mimi's busy. Leave a message.
So you're not taking my calls, huh?
Or maybe you've just hit the hay.
First couple of days inside are always tiring.
Let me guess.
Gym, dinner, Catholic chapel, lights out.
Well...Harry Stout's a fawning fart, that's all.
He's got new friends now.
The Dudnic brothers.
Still, every cloud.
It's given me the jolt to exorcise this vile demon.
Tonight...
..will be my last time.
I'm going cold turkey.
What chance has a poppy against the old Maguire grit, huh?
Come on, Dad. Get some protein down ya.
Mum won't want to come home to some scrawny puke.
You think she'll want to come home?
Dad, I'm off visiting. Would you mind looking after Katie for a few hours?
Mandy, take the child with you. Your mam'll want to see youse both.
It's not Mam she's going to see.
It's him.
No time to see the woman that's doing time cos of her.
Doing time cos of me?
Doing time cos of you.
She's running grapes to the gutless cunt that beats her.
Please, Mandy. Tell me this isn't right.
You're a fine one to put me in a guilt trip.
Have you been to see Mum?
No.
So you can stop firing the disappointed looks.
Katie.
I was thrilled when all my babies were born.
But when my wee girl was placed into my arms
and stared up at me with the most innocent, trusting eyes that I'd ever saw,
well, love hit me like a bullet.
I knew I'd always love her. And respect her.
Are you gonna look after her or what?
Kills me to know you can't do the same for yourself.
Course we'll mind her.
I've a few errands to run.
I'll find you a babysitter.
TV PLAYING IN BACKGROUND
All right.
Let's see what visual delights there are for our corneal delectation.
SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING
Oh, Last Tango In Paris.
KATIE SHRIEKS
Gallagher!
What? No, no... You can watch Barney later.
Gallagher!
(Puppet) Oooh-ooh!
Gallagher, will you fetch me up some tissues?
PUPPETS CHATTERING LOUDLY
LOW, ECHOING DRUMBEAT
LOUD DISSONANT BLARING
'Ere you are. Danny made 'em for us.
Cheers, mate.
Sure you don't mind giving us a lift?
It's all right.
I'll get my bum cheeks waxed after I've dropped you off at the hospital.
Looks like you're well settled here.
Suppose I am.
I told his Auntie Peg I'd stay until she found a proper carer for him.
Doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry, though.
Ain't it odd living with a strange teenager you can't talk to?
See, that could describe our Carl.
BOTH LAUGHING
It's great. I can do what, and who, I like.
I don't have to hide nothing from no-one.
Oh, um...how are things with your dad?
They made me feel about as rubbish as you can feel.
I walked away and slapped myself, hoping it was a dream.
Fat fucking chance.
I'll get the car keys.
In all the time we've been together...
..he's never once told me he loves me.
Look at you nodding away at me.
Not a bloody clue what I'm going on about, have you?
They know they've hurt us.
Next they'll smell the fear, then we'll pounce.
I'd call Harry Stout, offer him a backhander.
Only the bank called first thing.
The account's overdrawn.
Check what the lads took yesterday.
Please, Jamie, you've gotta help me.
VIDEO GAME BLEEPING
What'd you take yesterday?
It should be ten times that.
But with it being near the end of the month...people are blasted.
Business is on the brink
and youse two are lounging around like Jeeves and fucking Wooster!
Piss off and do some work!
Meet me outside the community centre at four.
Fuck!
Crap being the eldest, innit?
Mmm.
Are things really that bad?
Well, they're not good.
So what will you do?
Gotta teach those fuckers how it's done.
MAN GRUNTING
Payback time, Micky.
His cock throbbed wildly
as he watched the sergeant's warm, wet mouth
engulf his long, taut tool.
Keep going, keep going.
- Erm... - Keep going.
Keep going, you little Manc bitch.
A strong finger pumped the palladium hard.
Perineum, you cretin!
Keep going.
HE GROANS ..pumped the palla...perin...
whatever. Erm...
As the boy began to jerk him up and down,
- down and up, twisting... - Ohh...
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Erm...softer and harder.
Twisting... Oh, come on!
Hang on, man, I'm not there yet.
I said keep it going.
- Rhythm. Rhythm, sunshine. That's it! - Twisting!
Then second left by the chippie.
OK. Grazie.
Prego.
Oh, shit!
The detective raced inside him.
What next?
Twisting. Twisting.
Freeze!
Fuck me.
Not that you'd want to.
Why, Sergeant Moran... Ugh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Please, can this stay between us?
I'm up for inspector next month.
I can get you off Station Watch.
Find you something in Mounted.
Bribery might be a part of your policing, sarge,
but I'm not going there.
It insults my intelligence.
And where the fuck was you?!
"Twisting" was the cue! It couldn't be any fucking simpler!
In fact, it was your idea.
I know. I'm sorry. I got tied up.
On duty.
Ohh... Did he get his pronged baton out?
No! Now, fuck off!
Oh, don't be like this. Look at the positives.
You're not wounded, you've kept your brother out the nick
and you've got some hand-job practice in!
Anything else while I'm on me toes?
DISTANT SIREN WAILING
It's a loss. Finding yourself a lone dad.
Paddy, I've been here. I know what you're going through.
To just switch from hunter-gatherer to primary carer
is demasculising.
You've got to wrestle this black dog, send it down the road, packing.
Well, Francis, thank you for coming to my emotional rescue.
MOUTHING WORDS
Now, would you kindly open the window, piss off,
and leave a sick man in peace?
Oh, Katie!
Oh, fucking hell!
Argh! Ugh!
(Paddy) Gallagher!
Gallagher!
BABY CRYING
HE GROANS
BANGING ON DOOR
Got a delivery for Shane Maguire, right?
Tell him it's pure, so if he don't want to kill his punters
he needs to get his talc and his milk powder out.
Jesus!
Frank! Frank!
I've an awful sore throat on me, so I have.
I need you to pop out and fetch me home some lozenges.
Right!
OK.
This is how the Dudnics do it.
This is how you'll do it from now on.
Mate, can I get an ambulance, please, to number 10 Cavendish Walk?
There's a lady here, slit throat,
pissing blood.
Thanks.
Paddy Maguire wants his 100 notes.
I'll just go and get it.
See?
Hey! What's going on? What's happening?
Oh...no... Stop it.
Sputnik's racing on Friday.
20% APR, my arse. Paddy Maguire is not fucking Visa.
I want the outstanding 80, now.
OK. OK.
I'll...have to nip down to the cashpoint, mind.
That's all right.
Since you're such a valued customer...
..we'll drive you there.
MUSIC: All Kinds Of Everything by Dana
BABY CRYING
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Where's the smelly tosser put it?
Yeah! Shh, shh, shh, shh!
It's not so much him I'm crying for.
It's me poor mum.
It is.
Remember, I'm always here, yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Cheers, Danny.
MAN LAUGHS Any change?
Mandy!
I'm sorry for being a cow.
I suppose I'm just mad at you... for caring about him.
I understand.
If anyone was hurting my lovely best mate,
I'd rip their face off.
Come here, you soft bitch.
Why do you keep going to see him?
Dunno.
Once I know he's going to be all right...or not...
then I can start making decisions, but...
till then, I'm stuck.
So once you know...
..you'll stop seeing him?
I'd be an idiot to do anything else.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BABY CRYING
Ohh... Fuck's sake, Maguire!
It's all one-way traffic with you, innit?
Go in there, now, Katie.
The agreement was, while I took Katie, you kept an eye on Stella.
Remember, terror is more effective than brutality.
It's all about surprise, yeah?
You can collect from Devonshire Parade on your own.
- Paddy? Paddy, got 'em. - Fuck!
Paddy, where are ya?
Oh, fuck! No!
Christ, Gallagher. A man's ablutions are secret. You knock before entering.
It's gonna kill you, Paddy.
Oh, and alcoholism won't?
I'm not trying to be holier-than-thou, just listen!
Fuck, no! Fuck...
No, I can't let ya!
Come on, I can't let ya! I can't let ya!
- What the fuck you doing? - Give me a lift, will ya?
I'm trying to save him from himself. The drop-off man says it's pure.
- Fuck, no! - Get off!
BABY CRYING
You know, they say that tobacco is the hardest habit to kick.
It's mine! It's mine!
How could you, Dad?
At least we know what's up with him now.
(Jamie) A dealer never touches his own stock. Isn't that what you've always said?
- Dad! - You think after all these years clean
I woke up one morning and thought,
"Why don't I stick a needle in my vein and taste my own wares?"
This was done to me!
By who?
Fuck off!
Fuck off, the lot of youse! None of your fucking business!
Fuck the lot of youse!
How dare you question me?
Stop your fucking gawping!
You fucking...
Get away!
I'm telling you - 20 seconds max.
You'd never know they'd been touched.
Mm-hm.
WPC Donnelly, you are a bloody legend!
Oi! We're all constables now. You sexist prick.
Debbie, Mr Watsford says he needs that 15 quid before the weekend.
- Right. Come on, I'm having a go. - Are you?
- Good luck. - Good luck?
- Don't need luck. - You need a steady hand.
Where'd you get that from?
What about credit for your mobile?
(Mandy) So who's gonna run things?
Dad can't.
I suppose it's left to my lad over here to step up and show his mettle.
He's creative, handy, flexible.
With respect, Kelly...
Dad doesn't do interior design.
I'm taking over.
(Kelly) Eldest son succeeds. Fucking typical!
Do you have a problem with that, Shane?
To be honest, babe, I just want to be free to invest me energies in other stuff.
Trafficking body parts. That's where the serious money is.
See?
Visionary.
You said nothing could draw you back.
Don't make me explain myself, Mand.
Your livelihood comes from this business.
Would you rather I stuck to me word and you and Katie go without?
- (Katie) Mummy! - I'm coming.
(Micky) What about the Dudnics?
No need to worry about them any more.
Well, I want you two round this table tomorrow morning, eight o'clock.
We'll be talking business models and enforcement. OK?
- OK? - Uh-huh.
(Jamie) There's a Spanish proverb
says an ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship.
Being part of a family isn't always easy.
It can be unpleasant.
There's rivalry, resentment, feeling stifled.
They can disappoint you, disgust you.
But you never give up on them.
You'll sacrifice your own wants and needs because, like it or not,
you're tied to the tossers for life.
Friends and lovers may come and go
but the clan remains.
What dainty dishes
will the weary manny feast from before quenching the most arid of thirsts?
Sod all, that's what.
HE FARTS
HE GROANS
- All right, Frank? - Yes, mate.
FARTING AND GROANING